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Much like the rest of America, last night I tuned into the season finale of Empire, the show that has been kickin' ass and takin' names since it debuted in January. It's so popular now that local news shows were doing stories on Empire wach parties. That really happened. My guitar gently weeps for civilized society. Or at least it would if I didn't understand. The show has been a ratings bonanaza and has continued to grow nearly every week causing white studio heads to throw all of their papers in the air, and then throw their hands in the aye-er, and wave them like they just didn't kay-er.

I like fish and grits and all that pimp shit. To Pimp A Butterfly is out now.

Back to Empire, last night they decided to try to murder us all with a two-hour season finale that packed more WTF moments than that picture of Sarah Palin and Al Sharpton a few weeks back. There's no way I could unpack this entire episode. Which is good, since I'm not trippin'. See what I did there? Of course you do.

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Oh, and if you haven't watched it yet, then I suggest that you don't read this. This message will not self destruct.

Unlike the Empire empire. Lucius, in a move that makes sense considering both his loyalty, talent, likeability, and common sense, made Jamal the head of the company, much to the chagrin of both Andre and Hakeem who decide to stage a hostile takeover. But I've jumped way ahead to the second hour. Let's start at the beginning.

Everybody hates Lucius a lot more than everybody hates Chris. If you'll remember in the last episode Lucius admitted to setting up Jamal to be married to curb his gayness, then knocked up his wife, then let Jamal think he was the daddy of a kid that he fathered. All of which was admitted because Olivia's (played by Raven-Symone of "why is she still talking fame?", see what they did there) ex-boo showed up and mosedy right on up to the top and pulled a gun on Jamal for putting a baby in his boo. Cookie was pissed because she always is and takes a trip to the Berkshires with Lucius head of security, Derek Luke whose name on the show escapes me. Anyway…this episode starts off with everybody being pissed at Lucius, except, surprisingly Jamal who has turned out to be the most level-headed, realest dude on the show (put a pin in that "realest" statement, we'll get to that later).

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I'll skip the minor details, but at Leviticus later on that night Hakeem decides to air out their family dirty laundry by dropping a verse about how his father ain't shit and he's gonna take his bitch. This leads to Lucius following Hakeem off stage where he LITERALLY hits him with the one-hitter-quitter. Unfortunately, Hakeem has the last laugh as he ACTUALLY does end up smashing Anika. Oh, and has decided to leave Empire Records and go to Creedmore, Lucius' former boss and current rival's record label. That's no bueno.

Oh, so Cookie and Derek Luke went off to smash in the Berkshires right? Well Lucius figures it out because Cookie's assistant ain't bright and realizes that she's out there gettin' her groove back with the help. So what does Lucius do? He does what any real nigga who ain't shit and has been the most trifling person on the planet does, he bans her from the building. She's been fired. Can you say FIRET!!!! Derek Luke's character asks her to move to DC with him because he got offered a high level security job. Cookie can't leave doe. She has her family to tend to.

Andre seems to have found love in a hopeless place: church. My man literally has decided to devote himself to the Lord because of Jennifer Hudson's prayer. That is some powerful prayer. Anyway, becuase Lucius is the devil, he tells Andre that the Lord ain't shit basically and proves to him that music is more powerful than Jesus and swoops in on JHud and convines her to sign with him, effectively taking her away from the church. Andre, the bi-polar brother who is really having a time as of late, is devastated. His wife leaves him because apparently he ain't really been home for a while. And even though he ain't sleep with JHud - they just prayed that powerful prayer together - he has cheated emotionally and THAT she can't take. This is a couple who regularly fucks other people for power by the way. Like, its okay with them.

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Let's get back to Jamal for un momento. Lucius ain't shit so he's having writers block. You could really change the title of the show from Empire to Lucius Ain't Shit and it would be the exact same show. Anyway, Jamal comes to his rescue and tries to help him find his way despite every attempt by Lucius to throw his gayness at him and make him feel like less of a man. Jamal takes them back to the house they used to live in many moons ago - I'm guessing in Philly, these niggas really treat Philly likes its a 20 minute drive away - and they have a sort of jam session sing off where they work out some of their issues through music. Lucius basically tells Jamal that Empire is his and that they need to keep Baretti from stealing their music and artists and shit. So Jamal, doing what any real nigga would do…

…goes to Baretti and HANGS THIS DUDE OVER A BALCONLY. He went straight to The Five Heartbeats script in order to save his company. He SERIOUSLY hung this dude from a balcony as a threat. #JamalTooReal

Because a show doing too much needs to do even more, we find out that Lucius isn't even dying from ALS. He's got some other shit that I can't remember. He was misdiagnosed. He ain't gon' die y'all. HE GON' LIVE!

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While taking some of his meds, he's in a stupor and confesses to Cookie, who just so happens to be in his bedroom, that he killed Bunky. She starts to attempt to kill him herself but I guess she got spooked by something or other. Plus, the last person she had killed, somebody else's hands got dirty. Oh, Vernon was in rehab. He's out now.

So, Lucius then, realizing he has a new lease on life, attempts to make some amends. He apologizes to Andre and Hakeem by attempting to give them back what he took: with Hakeem its his ex-boo and some of his freedom so he gives him wings to symbolize the personal plane he has to go where he wants when he wants; and with Andre he attempts to give him back some of that old time religion and $100 million for some type of philanthropic fund. The way he said $100 million is the way I say "a quarter" by the way. And Cookie shows up and he gives her a pillow.

To Jamal, he gives Empire via a scepter. The brothers are non-plussed. Which begs the question, Andre wanted it. Hakeem wanted it. Jamal didn't really want it but showed himself to be the most loyal, most common-sense having, least problematic one who just so happens to be gay. Nevertheless, #distewmuch and Dre and Hakeem ain't happy.

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Cookie attempts to get back at Lucius by staging a hostile takeover with Dre, Hakeem, and Boo Boo Kitty, which is odd, because while she thinks that Hakeem and Jamal should have had it, I can't see why she'd stab her son in the back over it. She was fresh as hell while the feds were watching and they attempt to get her to talk about Bunky's murder but she's like, naw.

Oh, Cookie and Boo Boo Kitty finally put the paws on each other. It wasn't a great fight but I thought you might like to know.

Cookie and Vernon meet to talk about why Lucius ain't shit and Vernon tells Cookie why he killed Bunky and amazingly, Cookie seems to understand now and realizes she's trying to dead her family over what amounts to business. But its too late, Vernon goes to talk to Andre, hoping to avoid the drama with Jamal, and they get into a fight and Dre's wife comes in with the candlestick holder in the kitchen and kills Vernon like an episode of Clue.

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Which is fucked up. Why?

Well, nobody can find Vernon when they ring the NASDAQ (and become an officially traded company) bell which is the same day as the Lucius Lyon (I can't remember the name of this event) concert that the whole world is tuning into. Even Patti LaBelle is performing. Well, Jamal and Lucuis seem to get over their beef.

Oh shit…I FORGOT THE BEST PARTS.

So, they hold a press conference to talk about Jamal being the new successor for Empire and a super trash rapper named Black Rambo says in so many words that no real rappers would work for a gay man, which is dumb. Real rappers will take checks from anybody who will give them one. But I ain't one to gossip so you ain't heard that from me…even though I wrote it. Well Jamal, being the real nigga he is, walks in on a pseudo-The Shelter in 8 Mile-esque rap battle and challenges Black Rambo to a spit off. Black Rambo comes with as much "you gay, yeah yeah you gay" non-sense as possible which is made worse because he's really a bad rapper. And then Bad Motherfucker J steps on stage and sings his way into the hearts of the crowd and takes the soul of Black Rambo. By the way, this would NEVER happen in real life.

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Back to the concert. Jamal and Lucius are set to take the stage and then the feds kick in the door wavin' the 4-4 placing him under arrest for the murder of Bunky. Lucius sees Cookie who he knows talked to the feds and now he thinks that Cookie set him up even though she protests that she didn't (she actually didn't). While they're taking him away, one of the coppers says they need to find Vernon because he's the star witness. Vernon turned bird, and then ironically, Dre's wife killed him which is going to thward that hostile takeover, which might not matter since his arrest the stock prices dropped on the IPO.

The show ends with a scene of Lucius in jail with that, "I'm gonna kill all of you motherfuckers when I get out" face.

I'm sure I missed a lot of other stuff. But Empire?

Empire.

I will wait for you to come back my love.

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