The Haters' Guide To Successfully Hating The Golden State Warriors

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The Golden State Warriors are the new NBA champions; a perfect end to a historic season where they won 67 games (the third most in NBA history) and won the affections of both casual and diehard fans with an aesthetically and analytically pleasing style of play. They also feature a ridiculously popular league MVP who might not even be the most popular person in his own household, people named "Klay," "Draymond," "Leandro," and "Festus," and a Black guy from Iowa. Basically, they are nearly impossible to hate. These are not the Lakers or the Heat or the Celtics or even the Spurs. Hating the Warriors is like hating, I don't know, a bowl of strawberries. Or Janelle Monae. It just feels…wrong, like you're gasfacing God.

But, if you do want to exist in the land of wrong, if you do currently hate or want to hate on the Warriors and you need some wood to keep that hate fire burning, here's a few things that might help:

1. There's a natural inclination to look at Stephen Curry in comparison to other NBA players and assign underdog status to him. At 6'3 and 180 pounds, he's (relatively) short and (relatively) slight, and when you combine his stature with his preternaturally youthful face — he could very easily pass for 18 — it feels more moral rooting for someone like him instead of a genetic freak of nature like Lebron.


But Curry is no one's underdog. His dad (Dell) played 16 seasons in the NBA, and was known as one of the best shooters of all-time. He also made millions of dollars. This means Stephen has been rich his entire life and was able to receive tutelage from one of the 300 or so best basketball players on Earth from birth. Rooting for him to continue to succeed in his already remarkably successful life is like rooting for Facebook. Or a Bush.

2. Every just said about Curry could be said about Klay Thompson. Except Thompson also has an NBA Live composite player face.

3. The Warriors employ and prominently feature Andrew Bogut, The Honky Messiah.

4. You know those situations where a woman sees potential in a guy before anyone else actually does, dates him for like a decade, helps him upgrade his entire life, and then, once the upgrade is complete, watches in horror as he breaks up with her and marries the first chick he meets post-breakup? It sucks when that happens, right? Well, that's what the Warriors did to Mark Jackson. Mark Jackson is every woman. Steve Kerr is the new bitch.


5. There is no city in America named "Golden State."

6. Andre Iguodala won Finals MVP, mainly because he "held" the guy he was responsible for guarding to 35.8, 8.8, and 13.3 and made several wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide open jumpshots because the Cavs decided that giving him wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide open jumpshots was their best defensive strategy.


7. Golden State's uniforms are blue and yellow. Blue and yellow were Hilter's favorite colors.

8. There's never been a time when the most popular NBA player was a light-skinned Black guy. We also have never experienced an apocalypse. There's no reason not to believe these two things are related.


9. "Festus Ezeli" sounds like a holiday created by Dr. Umar Johnson.

10. The Bay Area is one major earthquake away from floating into the Pacific. Do you really want to root for a team from an area that might not exist in five years?


11. The attention Riley Curry is receiving now might make her very difficult to date when she is 27.

12. There was no reason to add any extra Blackness to the "Marreese" in Marreese Speights's name because "Maurice" by itself is already a Black enough name. It's like soaking mustard greens in grape Kool-Aid. Seriously, raise your hand if you know a White "Maurice." Now slap yourself because you're a damn lie.


13. The median income for people in San Francisco is over $100,000. The median income for people in Cleveland is "well, the way my bank account is set up, I…" The Bay Area wanted this championship. Cleveland needed it. And they took it from them, like a millennial working at a soup kitchen and stealing bread when no one's looking. The Golden State Warriors are gotdamn gentrifiers.

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About the author

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB and a columnist for His debut memoir in essays, What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins), is available for preorder.