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Who is Bow Wow?

Bow Wow is a grown-ass 29-year-old man who still refers to himself and answers to Bow Wow. You know how people say Frank Sinatra was a singer's singer? Well, Bow Wow's a millennial's millennial.

To his credit, he did change his name from Lil Bow Wow to Bow Wow a few years ago, right?

He did. But going from "Lil Bow Wow" to "Bow Wow" is like going from being called, I don't know, "Dumb-Ass Motherfucker" to "Dumb Motherfucker." Perhaps the wording is (slightly) different, but the spirit remains the same. He could call himself "Big Ass Bow Wow" or "The Trillest Bow Wow" or "Bow Wow Will Drink Your Milkshake, Bitch" but he'd still be a grown ass 29-year-old man who still refers to himself and answers to the same name I've given the plastic poodle my dog plays with.

He's not even named after a dog. He's named after a dog's toy.

I see. So why is Bow Wow in the news today?

Bow Wow is in the news today because of a series of tweets — and his reaction to the reaction to those tweets — which revealed that he may very well be the single dumbest celebrity in Hollywood. Actually, let's forget the celebrity qualifier. Instead, let's just say that he's dumber than anyone reading this. Because if you are dumber than Bow Wow, you wouldn't have made it this far. You would have mistaken the font on the screen for a cupcake, and you would have tried to eat it. So congrats to you, anonymous reader person, for being smarter than Bow Wow.

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That's pretty harsh, man. Are you sure you're not going a bit too far with this? It couldn't have been that bad, right?

Did you see the series of tweets and his reaction to the reaction?

No.

Well, wait until you finish reading this, and then ask me that question again.

Ok. So…what happened?

Last week, Bow Wow was kind enough to give everyone a master course on "Shit To Say To Prove To Everyone That We Should Never, Ever, Ever, Ever Listen To Shit You Say Again."

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First, he tweeted that he doesn't vote, which is a great way for stupid people who don't yet realize they're stupid people to signal their stupidity to everyone else.

Then, when asked why he doesn't vote, he responded with some faux-intellectual, Hotep-adjacent, space maggot gobbledegook about all the world's leaders being controlled by someone we don't know about.

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Who is this mysterious someone that only Bow Wow is aware of?

Jesus, perhaps. Or The Illuminati. Or maybe even Roland Martin. Who knows? I do know, however, that this alone was enough to cement his idiot status. He could have stopped right there, and everyone would have just continued their lives knowing that Bow Wow is garden-variety idiot. Not a particularly special idiot. But just your common, everyday functional layidiot who could outsmart most bags of rocks.

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But then he decided it wasn't enough. He couldn't just be an idiot. He wanted to be The Idiot. Which, admittedly, is admirable. What's the point of being something if you don't want to be the best at it?

What happened?

He stated in so many words that his mixed heritage doesn't allow him to relate to Civil Rights.

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Wait…what? He said that out of his own mouth?

Yes he did.

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Has he not seen himself before? What could he possibly be mixed with?

BBQ sunflower seed shells and jingles from un-aired CSI spinoffs? (CSI: Amusement Park Rangers?) I have no clue. Your guess is as good as mine.

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Now, to be fair, if you're a Black American and you've been in America for longer than 17 months, you're probably not a pure blood African. Shit, you don't even need White ancestors. Every step within a 250 foot radius of Trader Joe's makes us 0.0008 less Black by osmosis. So technically we're all biracial. But it is rather bizarre for a person who has identified as Black — and has been identified as Black — for his entire career to hop on the mixed-race Soul Train at 29.

But, let's forget all of that. Even if you gave the Bow Wow the benefit of the doubt — that he's actually about as Black as Katy Perry — his tweets aren't any less stupid. If fact, the benefit of the doubt somehow, inexplicably, makes them stupider. By suggesting that he doesn't relate to civil rights because his ancestors weren't physically in Selma (please re-read that again) he manages to achieve Peak Stupid. It's ultimately him saying "I can't possibly even begin to think about or understand this really important thing that happened because I wasn't physically there." Which is the idiot's personal edict.

Like, imagine Neil Degrasse Tyson and Kip Throne having a debate about relativity. Bow Wow's tweets were the exact opposite of that.

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Wow. That was really bad. Was there anything else?

Of course there was! Peak Stupid requires a commitment, and Bow Wow has proved to possess that already. He's not merely trying to get a participation trophy for showing up stupid. He wants the real thing.

Anyway, to convince everyone of the legitimacy of his claims, Bow Wow posted a picture of his father on Instagram.

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Oh wow. Is his father White?

No.

Is he light enough to pass?

No.

Would his dad even pass the brown paper bag test?

Maybe if he studied all night.

So, in order to prove to everyone that he's too White to give a damn about race and racism, Bow Wow posted a picture of his unambiguously Black father?

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Yes. He might as well have just posted a picture of Keith David. Or Rasheed Wallace.

I…I have no words. Wow. He really did reach Peak Stupid, didn't he?

He did. He definitely did. Congrats, Bow Wow.