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1. French rap. And by "French" I mean "Gospel"

2. Fruit salad with no pineapples

3. The three T-Mobile Sidekicks I have stored in a shoebox somewhere in my home. And the burnt orange and black Von Dutch hat also in that shoebox.

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4. Unfortunately, every movie Kevin Smith has made since Dogma

5. White tears

6. The undercarriage of a 2011 Dodge Charger — something I learned two weekends ago when I got a flat, changed the tire, and also had to duct tape the space where I placed the jack because the fucking plastic cracked

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7. All those Myspace music pages I bookmarked in 2006 so I'd have a catalog of obnoxiously obscure shit to autoplay when you came to my page. (Because I wanted to be the only special snowflake nigga with "Let Go" by Frou Frou on his page)

8. Everything McDonald's sells after 10:30am

9. Durex condoms

10. A box of Eggo frozen waffles when the person you happen to be living with and married to only left one waffle left

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11. Your lonely plate when you say "Fuck it" and decide to toast that lonely Eggo…only to realize you have no syrup

12. Your plans, according to God

13. Any promise made by any male character on a reality television show set in Atlanta

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14. Any song made after 2014 with "feat. Mariah Carey" attached to the title

15. A family Christmas card from the Morrisseys

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16. This airball dunk attempt from Kendrick Perkins

17. Everything else that happened the day Erykah Badu dropped the "Window Seat" video aside from Erykah Badu dropping the "Window Seat" video

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18. Tyrese's opinions on A) the concept of the gravitational singularity: a one-dimensional point which contains infinite mass in an infinitely small space, where gravity become infinite and space-time curves infinitely, and where the laws of physics as we know them cease to operate and B) dating

19. You, to new NBA players association head Michele Roberts, who can't make it clear enough that she's not fucking around with your bitch ass

20. This ant repellant I sprayed on a window pane in my living room yesterday — the same window pane a group of four ants are doing the Wobble on today