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It’s been a while since you’ve done one of these.

One of what?

These explainer things. You used to do them all of the time.

Yeah, I guess it’s been a while, huh?

So many things have happened that you could have explained to us. Like, for instance, the popularity of the “In My Feelings” challenge. Or perhaps why each of the white people who’ve recently been caught calling the police on black people for bullshit look like they came from the same mayonnaise generator. It’s almost like when God created them, He made them in the image of the emoji for “eh.”

This is perhaps why I haven’t done as many explainers. Some of this shit just can’t be explained. I’m as stumped as you are.

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But you’re back today!

Yes, I am!

So ... what exactly is a pick-me? I’ve heard this term used with increasing frequency on the Internets—and always in a slightly insulting manner—but never quite knew what it meant.

So, defining a pick-me is simple. It describes a woman, who, through her words and actions, is either implying or outright saying “Pick me, men, instead of these other women, because I am solid wife material. And solid relationship material. And solid situationship material. And solid fuckbuddy material. And solid Netflix and Chill material. Basically, men, I can be whatever material you want me to be. Shit, I can even be a liquid or an inert gas if you wish.”

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Anything else? Because touting your attributes—even if it’s just to make yourself seem more attractive—doesn’t seem like the worst thing in the world to do.

Well, there’s also the fact that they tend to disparage other women while expressing their distinctions. Ayesha Curry, for instance, caught some flack for doing this.

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Unfortunately, both Pick-Me Twitter and Ash-Retention Twitter used the light ribbing Curry received for this tweet as fuel for their war against feminism, feminists, facts, and exfoliation.

From a piece I wrote about this debacle a couple years ago:

Ayesha Curry became a perfect woman proxy; the best example of the type of (presumably) virtuous and (presumably) virginal woman that 1) every woman should aspire to be and 2) exists as a perfect counterpoint or contrast to any woman deemed unvirtuous and thotnificent.

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Ah, I see. You know, considering her music, couldn’t we kinda consider Beyoncé a pick-me too? I mean, I know she’s everyone’s life and all, but she seems to fit the criteria. 

Who?

Beyoncé. Beyoncé Giselle Third Ward Trill Knowles Carter.

I do not know who this Beyoncé person is. And since I do not know who she is, I will not answer whether I believe she’s a pick-me. Nope. Can’t do it. I don’t know that nigga.

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Oooookay. So anyway, what exactly is a pick-he? Do they do the same things as pick-mes or are there distinctions?

Well, the general definition is the same. The pick-he is a man who declares himself a better relationship option than other men.

But while the pick-me sometimes makes her case by stating things she’ll do that go above and beyond what any normal human should ever do (“I’ll suck my man’s dick during colonoscopy prep while the rest of y’all bitches just lay there and leak”), the pick-he just ... exists. His entire sales pitch is “I have a consistent and legal means of income and two functional nostrils. Therefore, you hoes need to be on my dick.”

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Basically, he’s a variant of the nice guy™ pissed that women have the audacity to choose to sleep with and date the men they’re actually attracted to. So, instead of just, you know, being less wack, he attempts to shame women for their choices when they don’t choose him.

Example:

A pick-he, talking to a woman at a bar: Hey, so can I get your number?

Woman: I’m sorry, but I’m not interested.

Pick-he: All you women say you want a good dude, but you just want niggas with gold chains.

Woman: Um ... but you’re wearing a gold chain.

Pick-he: Well ... a bigger gold chain then.

Makes sense. Are there any popular pick-hes in pop culture, for a better reference?

I can’t really think of any off the top of my head. And by “I can’t really think of any off the top of my head,” I mean “Drake albums are basically pick-he mission statements, so start there.”

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I see. Well, thank you for coming back to explain this thing to me!

No problem. Any time. Glad I could help!