Illustration for article titled The iRich Dad Poor Dad /iGuy Is a Racist, Idiot Trump Supporter So Please STFU About That Shitty Book Forever
Photo: TIMOTHY A. CLARY (Getty Images)

If you’ve never heard of Robert Kiyosaki or his Rich Dad Poor Dad empire of financial advice, I want you to stop reading this, I want you to get on your knees, and I want you to thank God for granting you such luck. You are blessed. You are highly favored. Unfortunately, many of us are not as fortunate, as this book exists in the curricula of Shit Frequently Cited by Douchebags Who Say Dumb Shit Like “I’ll Sleep When I Die” and “Rise and Grind” and “We Need Black-Owned Prisons.

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If you ask someone to name their favorite reads, and they list this or The Art of War or The 48 Laws of Power, it’s a foolproof tell of a money-centered morality—a devotion based on the belief that people with money are better than those without it. Not wealthier or more privileged or provided more opportunity to live a better life, but inherently smarter, harder-working, less impulsive, and more trustworthy. It doesn’t matter how you got the money, or who you stole from (or killed) to have it. If you have it, you’re God.

People who pray at this altar are specifically susceptible to the sort of symbiotic grift that has made Robert Kiyosaki a rich man. (Well, rich-ish.) He convinces you to buy a book with Fisher-Price financial advice, and then encourages you to spread the gospel of grift to others—which creates the sort of following that allows him to charge tens of thousands for Matryoshka doll-constructed seminars where he delivers gems like “invest in things” and “dimes are worth twice as much as nickels.”

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Of course, not all financial advice is a grift. The best of it encourages patience and increased literacy and mostly that the sort of get-rich-quick advice peddled by Kiyosaki—a man who literally tells you to drop out of school and be less literate to make money—is dangerous.

Anyway, if Kiyosaki’s history of grift wasn’t enough to convince you that he’s a morally bankrupt charlatan as trustworthy as a mesh condom, his close friendship with the morally bankrupt charlatan as trustworthy as a mesh condom who also happens to be President should do it.

Trump’s Tulsa rally was, from any reasonable perspective, a shitshow. Even the Trump campaign itself admitted that the protestors had “an impact” on the hilariously underwhelming crowd, which, for someone like Trump, is like admitting that a kitten is better hung than he is. Kiyosaki’s tweet is the tweet of an idiot, and his entire timeline is a curation of racist lunacy written in staccato haiku.

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THIS IS YOUR FINANCIAL ADVICE KING??? This guy??? Darth Dale Carnegie is your money mentor??? This is the guy who Danny Ocean steals shit from in movies. I wouldn’t trust this man to crack an egg.

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If this information upsets you, and you find yourself in dire need of a new source for surefire financial advice, don’t fret! I got you! It even remixes Rich Dad Poor Dad. You ready for it? Ok, here it comes:

1. Have a rich dad.

Thank you for attending my seminar. That will be $17,000. I take Cash App and Venmo.

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a columnist for GQ.com, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)

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Real rich people never tell you how they make/keep/spend their money.