Last week, I had a conversation with someone about whether it would be worse for your parents or your children to catch you having sex. She thought the answer (parents) was obvious. I agreed, but thought it depended largely on age-related variables. Your parents walking in on you when you're grown is not the same as your parents walking in on you when they're home from work surprisingly early and you're supposed to be in 6th period anatomy instead of…bedroom anatomy.
Anyway, this got me thinking: Who'd be the single worst person to catch you in the act? And who wouldn't you mind as much if they happened to catch you in the act?
(In reverse order)
Raise your hand if you've ever had sex in a watchable space and wanted to get watched because that would arouse you even more. Good. Now take that hand and dip it in a vat of fingernail polish remover. And never shake my hand again.
Depending on the circumstance — and the position you're caught in — this could result in either the best or the worst inside joke ever.
8. Your grown kids
Listed so high in part because they'd be 1373287o3 times more horrified than you'd be.
7. Your parents (when you're grown)
If this happens at your house, well, they should have knocked. But if this happens at their house? Well, they still should have knocked. But don't expect to be allowed in the kitchen ever again.
6. Your teenage kids
Although the gross-out/awkward potential is high, you can defuse things by saying "Well, you always said you wanted a little brother. Where the hell do you think he'd come from?"
5. Your parents (when you're a teen)
It goes without saying that, right or wrong, the gender of the parent and the gender of the teen getting caught changes the dynamic completely. A dad catching his son will probably have a different reaction than a dad catching his daughter. Basically, the difference between "Attaboy!" and "Where's my pistol?" (Moms, however, seem to be wildcards. The level of their discontentment seems to depend on where the sex is being had. Hell have no fury like a mom finding spunk on recently upholstered couches.)
4. The police
Because, depending on the location, you might get arrested. And, depending on your race, you might get shot.
3. The significant other of the person you're sleeping with
Has never been good. (Unless, of course, you're a man and you're sleeping with a woman whose significant other is also a woman, and you convince her to join you two. Basically, unless you're Lou Williams.)
But it's still better than…
2. Your significant other
I feel like this happens much more often on TV than in real life. People get caught up by texts and wayward thongs and shit all the time, but how often do people actually get caught right in the act?
1. Your boss
One, because you will probably get fired. And, just as importantly, if you happen to be in a relationship, that will probably end too. Because (roughly) 96.86% of the people who have sex at work are having sex with coworkers, not significant others.