Lauren Holland

Hennessy is a criminally overrated cognac. I maintain that it’s actually more fun to say “Hennessy” than it is to drink it. Because Hennessy tastes like ATM runs at 3 a.m. Hennessy tastes like puddle water and penitence. Hennessy tastes like it should be called “Omarosa.” But overrated doesn’t mean unimportant, since it exists as both black America’s most prominent social lubricant and the reason at least 35 percent of y’all niggas were conceived. (Present company included.) #AllHennyMatters.

(This disproportionate cognac love isn’t limited to Henny. Although we make up 11 percent of the population here, we drink 40 percent of the cognac. Which explains Paris Dennard.)

Anyway, as many of you are aware, we’ve been in the middle of a substantial Henny shortage for the past few months. There’s such a crisis that some stores have drastically marked up their prices and placed a limit on how much Hennessy one person can buy. There are actual Henny quotas, because America is officially Panem now.

And this can all be traced back to Darth Cheeto himself, Donald Trump.

The shortage exists because there was an unprecedented spike in Hennessy sales in the first quarter of 2017. The unexpected demand depleted the supply. According to Cognac.com:

LVMH record first quarter revenues were driven by 20% revenue growth in Asia and 14% growth in Europe. LVMH revenues grew at 9% in the United States. While LVMH revenues from the United States grew at a lower pace than other global regions, sales of Hennessy cognac skyrocketed.

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Which means that something happened toward the end of 2016 and the beginning of 2017 that made us drink waaaaay more than we usually do. Hmm. I wonder what that could have been.

Investment analyst Lauren Holland, who spends her free time drinking Hennessy and studying Hennessy-related financial trends, sums it up:

Upon discovering this information my first thought was that this spike in consumption might be some sort of lagging economic indicator, perhaps an increase in discretionary income amongst a younger urban demographic that might finally be participating in the economic recovery, which could mean we are in the final innings. But then I soon realized that the post-election timing was the real storyteller. It meant that we were completely out of fucks, and that the last of said fucks have been spent on Henny.

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I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that the election of President Barack Obama saw a similar spike in the sale of firearms, presumably from people either scared he was going to reverse the Second Amendment or just preparing for a race war. (Or both.) Basically, when they go low, we get drunk.