Things Drake Does In The "Hotline Bling" Vid That Men Not Named Drake Can Never Do

OVO screenshot
OVO screenshot

Yesterday, Drake released a video to "Hotline Bling." The song, the video, and the reaction to the song and video is quintessential Drake. It is perhaps the most quintessentially Drake thing Drake has ever done, which is saying something because everything Drake does is quintessentially Drake.

What exactly does quintessentially Drake mean, you ask? Well, quintessentially Drake means that if literally anyone else who has ever existed on Earth and anywhere else in the universe where complex life is able to survive and repopulate attempted to do what Drake did, their efforts would not be received very well. Like, you know how Hazel is treated on Love and Hip Hop Hollywood? And how Home Depot potato salad is treated at cookouts? That's how anyone who attempts to do what Drake does would be treated if they attempted to do what Drake does.

But, when Drake does it, it gets tweets like this from writing-ass chicks we love like Jamilah Lemieux…


…and Kara Brown

I feel like dorky white guys feel like Drake gives them passes to be dorks but they forget the whole point is that they're not Drake.

— KB (@KaraRBrown) October 20, 2015

This is what quintessentially Drake means.

Anyway, "Hotline Bling" is the quintessentialliest Drake song ever. Which means it contains a multitude of Drake-done things that, if anyone else attempting doing, would be received about as well as a fart during fellatio.


1. Rock Lugz chukkas after 1997

2. Own the same sweaters the ski team captain rocked in Better Off Dead

3. Dance in said sweaters

4. Dance like he's playing catch with an invisible kitten. While also trying to kill a spider. And making french toast. With a tennis racket


5. Make jazz hands in public

6. Make an entire song about an ex-girlfriend who…moved on. Even though he doesn't really want to be with the ex. Just for the ex to want to be with him still. And have that song loved by women (and men) who hate when people do that to them


7. Dance by himself in an Easter pants suit-hued room full of a bunch of trapezoids and booty

8. Say things like "I know when that hotline bling" and "late night when you neeeeeeeed my love" and "you you you"


Again, if you are not Drake and you're thinking about trying any of these things, start thinking about other things to try. Because you are not Drake.

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)

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i'm here for this. hopefully by the end of the year, the clubs gonna be looking like this: