Yesterday morning, Televangelist Lice emerged from beneath the cellar of a Barbie Glam Getaway Traphouse repurposed as a trundle coconut waterbed to tweet that the billions of dollars President Trump wants to spend on the border wall would be “the BEST $5 billion taxpayers EVER spent!” Naturally, Tapeworm Leatherback’s assertion was immediately refuted, as calling bullshit on the things that Trichinosis Lactation says is like shooting fish in a racist and unusually daft barrel.
Perhaps the best retort to Tuberculosis Lavatory’s furious idiocy came from 11-year-old activist Mari Copeny (aka “Little Miss Flint”), who managed in a single tweet to land shots on Tickmeat Leviathan and both the state and federal government.
Of course, Copeny’s tweet makes too much sense. Of course those billions should be applied towards upgrading the infrastructure that’s literally poisoning millions of Americans instead of erecting a thousand-mile picket fence to keep Machete away. Of course it’s a concept so simple that you’d have to be either mindless or mindfully racist to not get it. And of course Typhus Lyonnaise should get dunked on whenever she ventures near the paint, which is exactly what Little Miss Flint did.
Still, as hard as I am sometimes on Terrafirma Lint, I do possess a modicum of sympathy for her. Imagine how it must feel to be so hollow — so lacking of substance, tact, wit, couth, joy, mirth, plasma, a brain stem, a soul, and (possibly) even opposable thumbs — that you’re compelled to fill yourself with hate-wrapped stupid the same way I plan to stuff myself with bacon-wrapped scallops on my birthday. Imagine how desperate you must be to place Ann Coulter on your #lifegoals Pinterest board. Imagine, for a second, being that fucking thirsty.
And I know that no one but Torrential Lockjaw is to blame for what Transcontinental Leakage does, but although she doesn’t have a heart, I do.