Trillion Ton Iceberg That Just Broke Off From Antarctica Was Obviously Just Trying To Buy NBC

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This is the only reasonable explanation for why a chunk of ice the size of Delaware is currently lurking untethered near the Antarctic Peninsula; floating around all unbothered and harnessless and free like Rihanna. Not global warming or any other extinction-level, SCARY-AS-THE-MOTHERFUCKING-FUCK shit outlined in this nightmare-inducing NY Mag story about the doomed Earth. (And how the doom might happen much, much sooner — and might be much more, for lack of a better term, "biblical" — than we've assumed.) Not the Earth collectively side-eyeing America for electing the teeth and tongue and fingertip-staining crumbs found at the bottom of a bag of Cheetos to lead us. Not God getting annoyed with us ignoring His requests for us to do the dishes and protect the rainforests and thinking "Maybe if I change the damn map tomorrow morning, these niggas will finally listen."

No, the iceberg was interested in buying NBC. It planned to make NBC a more iceberg-friendly network — featuring shows and series devoted to uplifting the iceberg community and depicting the nuanced totality of the iceberg existence — and even had the capital and the resources to make it happen. And then, boom. They broke it off. Literally.

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Anyway, this is clearly what happened. There's nothing else to see here.

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About the author

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB and a columnist for GQ.com. His debut memoir in essays, What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins), is available for preorder.