Rick James (Kevin Winter/Getty Images)

Listen, I’ve never done cocaine in my life. I’ve never really felt compelled to do so, either. While I can’t pretend like those “This is your brain; this is your brain on drugs” commercials entirely deterred me from a life of occasional recreational drug use, cocaine—for me—has always just seemed like a bridge too far.

For starters, that shit is like hella expensive and I’ve got Jordans to buy. Second, I have an addictive personality, so the last thing I need is to get addicted to some expensive shit. Plus, I’m afraid of being a crackhead, and crack ain’t shit but cocaine with BAKING SODA; I GOT BAKING SODA. On top of that, in every movie, niggas always cooked the coke in really dirty dishes.

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You know what? I’ve lost my way. Drugs? Bad.

So yeah, I’ve never done cocaine. And thank goodness, because after reading the Quincy Jones Vulture interview heard ’round the world, it seems like I might have been into some extra-nefarious shit. For starters, Jones telling the interviewer that Marlon Brando fucked everybody—including James Baldwin, Richard Pryor and Marvin Gaye—was like, “Say wha???” Shit, I’m wondering if I did and just don’t remember. But that’s not even what stuck out most to me. Pryor made no bones about the fact that he’d slept with men.

No, it was Jones’ suggestion that Brando was so coked up, he’d fuck a mailbox that threw me for a loop. Like, why the hell was that the inanimate object? Apparently, cocaine makes you fuck things. Random things. All the things. And that’s fine. Odd but, like, OK.

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Jennifer Lee Pryor confirmed as much when she talked to TMZ. Again, it wasn’t so odd that she confirmed that Pryor had slept with Brando, though I can admit that’s gossipy enough to make the rounds. For me it was the method in which she confirmed it:

It was the ’70s! Drugs were still good, especially Quaaludes. If you did enough cocaine, you’d fuck a radiator and send it flowers in the morning.

So Quincy Jones has niggas fucking mailboxes, and Jennifer Lee Pryor has niggas fucking radiators AND sending them flowers. Um. THEN it got me thinking back to “Charlie Murphy’s True Hollywood Stories” on Chappelle’s Show. Of all the sketches that stood out the most, the Rick James sketch is hands down the most memorable. Apparently, the amount of cocaine they did in the ’70s and ’80s caused all types of ruckus. Cocaine had James slapping niggas and stomping on niggas’ couches to the tune of “Fuck yo’ couch, nigga.”

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So, if I’m reading this properly, and I’d like to think I am, because of cocaine, couches, radiators and mailboxes were getting fucked during the ’70s and ’80s. And they act like that’s just what happens when you’re on that white girl.

Yeah, I’m glad I never did coke. Cocaine seems like a helluva drug.