VAN JONES IS AARON BURR!

Illustration for article titled VAN JONES IS AARON BURR!
Photo: Theo Wargo/Michael Kovac (Getty Images)

It finally dawned on me yesterday, after reading that Van Jones said Jared Kushner has “the dopest job in the world.” Which is such a Van Jones-ass thing to do and say—and not just because he’s praising the effete criminal dickwad who’s what would happen if every Jared ever and every 28-year-old MBA ever were melted down, poured into a cauldron, mixed together, and dripped into a six-foot mold of a rabbit’s penis. No, what made “dopest job in the world” such a quintessentially Van thing is “dopest”—a word self-consciously inserted to communicate (flaccid) hipness. It’s market-tested coolness. Performative colloquialism. A dog whistle to Zoom avatars. Pamplemousse LaCroix rebranded, repacked, and resold as hot sauce.

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And then—“BOOM!”—it hit me.

VAN JONES IS AARON BURR VAN JONES IS AARON BURR VAN JONES IS AARON BURR VAN JONES IS AARON BURR VAN JONES IS AARON BURR VAN JONES IS WHAT HAPPENS IF “I WANNA BE IN THE ROOM WHERE IT HAPPENS” WAS SENTIENT IF “TALK LESS; SMILE MORE” PASSED THE BAR AND BOUGHT VENEERS IF A JOS. A BANK MANNEQUIN LEARNED HOW TO BE REAL BY SINGING “WAIT FOR IT” TO ITSELF IN THE DARK WHEN THE STORE WAS CLOSED IF “DEAR THEODOSIA” WAS SUNG INSTEAD TO JARED KUSHNER WITH JARED KUSHNER ABOUT JARED KUSHNER IF “WEEHAWKEN, DAWN. GUNS DRAWN.” WAS SAID EVERY MORNING BY VAN JONES TO VAN JONES’S SOUL IF “EV’RYONE GIVE IT UP FOR AMERICA’S FAVORITE FIGHTING FRENCHMAN!” IS JUST WHAT VAN JONES SAID EACH TIME EMMANUEL MACRON OR MIKE PENCE ENTERED A ROOM HOW CAN ONE MAN BE SO CORPORATE BE ON EVERY FENCE BE ON BOTH SIDES ALL SIDES NEW SIDES SMOOTH SIDES BLUE SIDES NOT-YET-INVENTED SIDES SPACE SIDES EVENT HORIZON SIDES SIDES FROM THE FUTURE SIDES THAT COME WITH BOXES OF CHICKEN HE IS A HUMAN CHYRON THE PANELIST ON TVS IN BARS IN PURGATORY THE “VERY FINE PERSON ON BOTH SIDES” THE BOWL OF SALAD ON A TABLE AT AN AWARDS BANQUET A CUCUMBER ASS NIGGA EVERY BLACK BEST FRIEND EVER FUSED TOGETHER INTO A BLOCK OF CHEESE THAT DOES NOTHING BUT CHEESE VAN JONES IS AARON BURR VAN JONES IS AARON BURR VAN JONES IS AARON BURR VAN JONES IS AARON BURR VAN JONES IS AARON BURR.

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Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)

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DISCUSSION

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Babylon System

NEVER FORGET.

Van Jones praised President Trump for honoring the widow of a Navy SEAL killed during a raid in Yemen, saying “he became president of the United States in that moment, period.”

Van Jones, setting the bar low since 2016.