The hills may be alive with the sound of music, but the Blackness is flourishing in our tournament to determine the #blackestname in America. Yesterday, Damon dropped off a list of 10 things he learned and/or observed about the first round. Well I shall do the same based on the two brackets I'm shepherding through the up-per room: Athletes & Black People White People Know
1. D'Brickashaw did exactly what you thought D'Brickashaw would do. He whipped Dontavia Bogan's derriere in the first round, with what I believe to be the higest margin of victory with 92 percent of the vote. Honestly, I'm amazed that Dontavia - a name that in any other medium would be horrendous - got 8 percent. Either way, D'Brickashaw is #blackexcellence and #blackexcellence is D'Brickashaw.
2. The fact that Majestic Mapp won but Scientific Mapp did not either speaks about our priorities as Black people or says something about who really left the gate open. Either way, thanks Obama.
3. Goodbye Chauncey Ray Billups. It was fun while we knew ye.
4. The fact that somebody who knows Captain Munnerlyn came through and commented letting us know that he did not get teased in high school for his name only solidifies this fact: if you are a star athlete, nobody cares what your name is. Unless you're a woman. Also, most teasing happens in elementary school. By high school, nobody is teasing a dude on the football team named Captain.
5. D'Qwell Jackson, my sleeper pick, is the quintessential #blackestname and represents a standard "upset" in the NCAA March Madness tourney. The 10 beating the 7 was also the original name of the Beyonce song "Pretty Hurts" but nobody would sign off on it.
6. Oprah and Calvin Cordozar Broadus, Jr damn near tied. I'mma say this and I'mma end mine: some of y'all are getting the ultimate side-eye. By the way, Ultimate Side-eye sounds like it would be a great game to play. Imagine running through the park with a Laser Tag style monitor on your chest trying to dodge folks for hitting you with the ultimate side-eye. I may have just stumbled into genius.
7. Quvenzhane Wallis beat Dwyane Wade like he stole something. One could call Quvenzhane the Spurs. I'm just saying. Wade, again, forgot to show up. And because of this…
8. …Lebron lost to Shaquille.
9. I don't care what anybody says about Patron Saint Solange. I don't care if that's WHY her mama named her Solange. You name your kid Solange, you are entering the Black Zone. Period. My mother is from France. I said, hey ma, do you know any Solanges? Any in your neighborhood growing up? Her: What's a solange? Exactly.
10. Condoleezza Rice beat James Earl Jones because of course she did. I blame the Z.
Anyway, allons-y through the finaly day of Round of 32 action!
#1 D'Brickashaw Ferguson vs #8 Arrelious Markus Benn
- D'Brickashaw Ferguson (87%, 502 Votes)
- Arrelious Markus Benn (13%, 76 Votes)
I know it's kind of easy to see the unfettered beauty in D'Brickashaw, but I wonder if anybody has really taken the time to enjoy the magnificence of Arrelious. Look at that name. G'head. It kind of makes you believe in something doesn't it? Consider this when thinking of both D'Brickashaw and Arrelious: it is highly likely that if you google either of those names, every.single.search.result will be about them. THAT is how unique they are. See also…
#2 Lion King Conaway vs #10 D'Qwell Jackson
- D'Qwell Jackson (61%, 347 Votes)
- Lion King Conaway (39%, 220 Votes)
D'Qwell is another one where every search is literally him, and him alone. On Google. Do you realize how much foresight his mother had to have? I got D'Qwell on this one just because you can't have a dude named D'Qwell in a tournament and NOT ride this pony to see how far he goes. He and D'Brickashaw might be the most text book "names you'd automatically know were Black no matter what accent the person saying them has".
#3 God'sgift Achiuwa vs #6 Jadeveon Clowney
- God'sgift Achiuwa (55%, 308 Votes)
- Jadeveon Clowney (45%, 249 Votes)
This is getting more difficult. It's like I believe in Jadeveon because he wants me to believe in his potential. But God'sgift has God in the name. And a Black tourney ain't Black if God ain't in it somewhere. Real spit, my deepest fear is not that I'm inadequate - I'm pretty adequate - it's that I'd get a woman pregnant who would decide to name my heir one of these names. That, is real fear.
#4 Majestic Mapp vs #12 Ha'Sean "Ha-Ha" Clinton Dix
- Ha'Sean "Ha-Ha" Clinton Dix (74%, 410 Votes)
- Majestic Mapp (26%, 147 Votes)
Majestic is definitely worse than Scientific as far as first names go. You know what was fun? As an Alabama football fan, hearing commentators say "Ha-Ha" Clinton Dix like it was any other name over and over again all season. This is how you know you've made it; when white people in mass media pretend Ha'Sean "Ha-Ha" Clinton Dix is like saying Michael Smith. It's still terrible.
THE BLACK PEOPLE WHITE PEOPLE KNOW BRACKET
#1 Beyoncé Knowles- Carter vs #8 Denzel Washington
- Beyonce Knowles-Carter (75%, 423 Votes)
- Denzel Washington (25%, 143 Votes)
Names so ubiquitous that they don't sound crazy anymore despite being epicly Black. I'm still thinking Queen Bey is pulling this one out. Said Jay-Z never. See what I did there? No?
#2 Condoleezza Rice vs #7 O'Shea Jackson (Ice Cube)
- Condoleezza Rice (75%, 422 Votes)
- O'Shea Jackson (Ice Cube) (25%, 138 Votes)
This could honestly be the first time I ever pull for a woman named Condoleezza and this particular woman named Condoleezza to win anything ever. O'Shea is bad, but remember my rule of thumb, when in doubt, always assume the Z will win. Unless the Z is facing off against YONCE ALL ON HIS MOUTH LIKE LIQUOR. That's nasty.
#3 Solange Knowles vs #6 Quvenzhané Wallis
- Quvenzhané Wallis (95%, 529 Votes)
- Solange Knowles (5%, 30 Votes)
Can we please have a moment of silence for the #blackexcellence that is present with these two names. These two names are the epitome of: You is Kind. You is smart. You is important. I'm thinking Ms. Wallis (no relation to Christopher or Mrs. Wallace…oh who am I kidding, you knew that; her last name is spelled like the 1832 version) will pull this out.
#5 Shaquille O'Neal vs #13 Oprah Winfrey
- Shaquille O'Neal (81%, 447 Votes)
- Oprah Winfrey (19%, 108 Votes)
Shaq actually may be one of the most stereotypical Black people ever. He plays basketball, raps, has a million nicknames, and hails from Newark. It doesn't get any Blacker than that. So it makes sense that his name would be some sh*t sent from the gawds. Oprah. Well….um….hmmm….I like the…hmm….If you get rid of the Op, her name is perfect for saying RAH RAH LIKE A DUNGEON DRAGON? No? I got nothing.