VSB Roundtable: The Blackest Thing You've Ever Seen

James Brown (Evening Standard/Getty Images)

I’m keeping the intro simple this time.

Earlier, Maya showed me this vine:

Perhaps it’s not the single Blackest thing I’ve ever seen — I’d have to dig into my archives to make that determination — but it’s definitely top 10. Maybe even top five.


What’s yours?

—-Damon Young

Damn that’s Negro as fuck. Sets the bar pretty damn high. Well done, Maya.

—-Gem Jones

Damon, that is quite Black. That kind of extraness speaks directly to my love of Black Dramatics.


This isn’t the Blackest thing I’ve ever seen, but it’s one of the best, Blackest things I’ve seen this week. I smile every time I see it. They found the same wavelength in a split second. Magic.

—-Alex Hardy

Y’all are hating. This isn’t Black, this is awesome. During my funeral I want something similar. Keep your judgments, I’ll be with God.


—-Tunde Akinyeke


—-Christina Eichelberger

Yeah that bar Maya set is high as hell. She was all CHALLONJ. And Tunde… pretty sure Black is the synonym of awesome.


—-Tonja Stidhum

I mean… Along the lines of Christina’s contribution:


There was also the time that I went to a cookout and there were 3 different potato salads. Because black folks are particular AF about “who made the ‘tato salad?!” before deciding to partake.

—-Maya Francis



Those are all pretty Black. I will submit, also via the Vine, one of the most popular Vine’s most of us have seen:

You know it because we all know it. Here’s what makes it so Black. At one of the most refined bastions of Whiteness we have in America, no matter who occupies the White House, this negro COULDN’T NOT hit the latest dance in the White House. He realized he had one shot to Black it up as much as possible and he delivered. What takes it to the next Blackest level (Blue-Black ?) was the Black guy in the back PLAYING MUSIC (stereotypical ass Negro) who clearly was thinking “this nigga right here…” as our Black ass friend here hit the nae-nae…in the White House. Also, there’s jazz playing in the background. Fuck Kenny G; jazz is Black.


—-Panama Jackson

Ladies and gentlemen, I present you with this bastion of glory .


Get into the levels of blackness here:

1. The hair. Texturizer, weave, perm…enough product is being used by Grandmaster Flash alone to do some O-zone damage.


2. Check out the dude both repping alcohol and hitting a rap squat at the same damn time. Always trust a light skint dude to go extra hard.

3. Homie in the back right headed to a photo shoot, grabbed a jacket and said “shirts optional.”


4. Kangol hat. Need I say more?

—-Shamira Ibrahim


Gonna go ahead and say this might be one of the Blackest things ever as well. I’d legit put this up in my house just so folks knew it was a Black household. Motherf*ckin’ Jesse Jackson playing basketball with Marvin Gaye? That’s pretty Black.


Or this (shouts to the Peak Blackness tumblr that I discovered via Jozen MANY MOONS AGO). You’ve got two extra happy Negros with perms doing a jig…in suits. That’s pretty damn Black.


If we are talking about the Blackest of Black think we would do ourselves a disservice to forget this:

James Brown’s on stage. He calls MJ to the mat. Repeatedly. Mike feigns humility, does the damn thing, and shrugs that shit off at the end.


Then, as typical for large Black family reunion-type functions (because, really, what else are Black award ceremonies?), the elder James Brown loudly calls Prince’s name more times than is actually necessary, getting Prince to walk up with a “these n*ggas here…” expression. Please note Prince’s theatrics at the 3:40 mark and his signature 1980s foolishness around 4:15, before his “you overdid it”-ness, signature to all Blacks, causes his Black ass to fall off the stage.


This nigga Prince. Wow.

And yes, I’m comfortable enough in my sexuality to admit that was the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen a man do. I think I need to go walk my dog or something now.



Here’s a link because I can’t actually get this photo from the site.


When the original email started, I was thinking about blackest things we’ve seen in person. Well, there is no Black experience that is Blacker and American than a Frankie Beverly and Maze concert. They can have a concert in the Whitest state in America, and it would still be populated by nothing but Black people. Frankie Beverly and Maze are the Blackest group ever. Fun Fact: Their first televised performance EVER was at the BET Awards when they won the Lifetime Achievement award. That was recent, like within the last five years, and these guys have been around FOREVER. They also represent two very Black cities, Philly and Oakland.


Then you add 1980's Michael Jordan who, never forget, was Allen Iverson without the cornrows, the daddy to the Fab 5. Everyone wants to talk about the “Republicans buy shoes too” Jordan, and hey, I get it, he has kind of become a souless, corporation of a person. But never forget, he was getting fined every single game he wore those Jordans. Those Jordans were the cornrows, baggy, long shorts of the day. That dude also squared up against Reggie Miller and John Starks, which kind of led me to believe he secretly hates the lightskins. Case in point: He once told Mugsy Bogues in the middle of a game to “shoot it you fucking midget.”

Yeah, so Jordan and Frankie Beverly, both Black as they want to be.

—-Jozen Cummings

So, I finally walked my dog. And then I walked to a store a few blocks away. On the way back from the store, I saw another man walking his dog. A pit bull.


Now, a Black man walking a pit bull in a quasi hood area is Black as hell, but not substantially Black. Shit, I have a pit bull. And it’s Black.

He was also wearing a white wave cap and a beater. Still Black as fuck, but, again, nothing to look twice at.


But he was carrying something in his hand. And as I grew closer, I saw what it was:

A bowl of cereal. He was eating a bowl of cereal while walking his pit bull.

There is nothing I can possibly see all day that will be Blacker than that.


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