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Ok, ok, ok. Let's start with the obvious question(s):

Why the hell are you writing something about the second best something of all time? Wouldn't it make more sense to determine, I don't know, the BEST booty song ever instead of the second best? No one gives a damn about second. Including Drake, who famously once said that second place is just the first to lose.

I understand this concern. And in most other contexts, these would be relevant questions. But the best booty song ever, undoubtedly and undisputedly, is "Back That Azz Up." There's no question, no debate, no argument, no discussion. If I titled this "What's The Best Booty Song Of All-Time" instead, it would be resolved in five words. "Back That Azz Up" and "Duh."

So, before we delve into the debate, let's establish the criteria. What exactly is a booty song, and how does one qualify for consideration?

A booty song is a song that A) explicitly references the booty and/or booty shaking and B) induces immediate booty shaking and/or booty grinding. Basically, if you're at a club and you hear this song, you're either A) rushing to the dance floor to shake booty, B) rushing to the dance floor to dance with a shaking booty, C) specifically getting as far away from the dance floor as possible to protect yourself from the booty song stampede, or D) wanting to dance with a shaking booty, but unable to find a willing partner, so you reluctantly remove yourself from the dance floor. (By the way, there are few lonelier feelings than being the partner-less guy when the booty song comes on. Everyone else is all dropping it low and practically having simulated sex, and you're standing there mouthing the words to "Rump Shaker" to yourself while counting the ice cups in your cup and pretending to check your texts.)


Also, for the sake of this discussion, I've narrowed this debate to songs made in the last 30 years. Also, I'm partial to songs that do somehow mention or allude to booty or booty instructions in some fashion in the name of the song. For instance, "The Whisper Song" had the the intended effect of causing dance floor stampedes, but the name of the song doesn't hint at booty. Just secrets.

Anyway, 14 songs qualify.

"Rump Shaker"

This is an abjectly terrible song. (It is. Trust me.) But it has the most randomly absurd chorus ever.


It's like the first half of the chorus was Teddy Riley getting all creative with onomatopoeia and shit ("All I wanna do is zooma-zoom-zoom-zoom in a poom-poom"), and then the rest of the group came in the studio, said "Man, fuck that artistic shit man. Let's keep it simple." and just screamed JUST SHAKE YA RUMP!!!

"Baby Got Back"

Definitely a first ballot member of the "Things Created By Black People That Are Loved By White People Waaaaaaaay More Than Black People Do" Hall-of-Fame.


"Da Butt"

I've always wondered if the women shouted out at the end of this song — ("Tanya got a big ol' butt (Oh yeah)/Shirley got a big ol' butt (Oh yeah)" — actually had really big butts or if they just got shout outs because they were cool with the MC. Also, if you actually were Tanya from "Da Butt" would you tell people about it? Would you go to parties like "Remember Tanya got a big ol butt from Da Butt? Well, you're looking at her!" or just have it linked on your Instagram page or something?

"Get Low"

Only because Lil' Jon was actually in a studio somewhere trying to create lyrics to this song, had an epiphany, took out his pen and paper, and wrote "skeet skeet skeet skeet skeet" on the page.


"I Wanna Rock (Doo Doo Brown)"

This song is beautiful and disgusting. Like, imagine the kitten from Keanu. Now picture that kitten throwing up. That's this song.

"Pop That"

Actually had to explain to a millennial a year or so ago that "Pop That" contains elements of "I Wanna Rock" in it. Of course, them being a millennial, this person had never heard of "I Wanna Rock" before. Which upset me greatly, especially when remembering that I'm married to this person.


"Bands Will Make Her Dance"

Because Juicy J can't say no to ratchet pussy, and neither can we. We're all Juicy J.

"Get Ur Freak On"

Hmm. Did people really get their freak on when this song came on? I feel like the freakishness of this song was more of an implication than a reality. It should have been called "Get Ur Freak On, But Not Really" instead.


"The Thong Song"

One day, I plan to devote 3000 words to how "The Thong Song" is the most underrated piece of pop art ever. Of course, it's a punchline now, but no song has ever been hotter in the club than "The Thong Song" was the first couple months after it was released. And then, everyone pretended that it wasn't.

Well, I'm done pretending.

"Get Busy"

Really, there are 47373 other dancehall reggae songs that could very easy qualify. But I'm hungry and I don't feel like remembering the names of all of them, so "Get Busy" makes the cut. (Plus, my cousin was in the video!)


"No Hands"

This song was a great instruction manual for people like me who never know what to do with their hands when booty shake song dancing.


Everything just said about dancehall could be said about Big Freedia's entire catalog. Including the part about being hungry, because I still haven't eaten yet.


"Miss New Booty"

Easily has the best opening line. How can you not love a song that starts with booty, booty, booty, booty, rocking everywhere?

"Shake Ya Ass"

Mystikal was such a disappointment, man.

Anyway, while there are over a dozen very worthy nominations, I believe "I Wanna Rock (Doo Doo Brown)" to be the second best booty song of all time. I would guess that more booties have shaken (or shook?) to this song than any other song, and it's like a thousand years old and still has the same effect in clubs.


I could be wrong, of course. But I'm hungry so I don't care.