Screenshot: eNCA

I do not know Vicki Momberg, the South African woman sentenced to three years in prison after her racist tirade toward a black police officer, so I won’t pretend to know why she decided to appear in court Wednesday with fresh cornrows.

But I’ve got theories and suspicions! So many theories and suspicions!

  1. While in jail, she read up on the patron saint of post-racial fuckshit herself, Rachel Dolezal, and perhaps hoped that, if she changed her hair, she could convince the judge that she’s transracial. And then, of course, the racist rant wouldn’t be a racist rant anymore. Just an argument during spades.
  2. She wishes to start a hair-braiding side hustle while in prison and is trying to advertise her talents to her potential new customer base.
  3. She’s preparing for a photo shoot featuring white women in prison for race-related crimes. The theme of the shoot is “Mayonnaise Unjarred.”
  4. She’s trying to prove that she’s not racist racist because her favorite movie character ever is Cleo from Set It Off and this is an homage to her.
  5. She is a long-lost Kardashian and is trying to communicate with her kin and her kousins through telecornesis. (Get it? Telekinesis with cornrows? No? Wait, you did actually get it, but you thought it was just corny as fuck? Haha at “corny.” OK, I’m done.)
  6. She’s just an entitled and nasty white woman.

(My guess? 3 and 6. But probably just 6. Definitely just 6.)