Who Gets Your Vote in 2020: The Night King or Donald Trump?

Jarret James Slonaker via Sonali Fernando, who’s the early favorite for the Night King’s campaign manager
Jarret James Slonaker via Sonali Fernando, who’s the early favorite for the Night King’s campaign manager

Perhaps the most depressing part of Darth Cheeto’s reign in office is that unless he’s impeached (which could but probably won’t happen), arrested (which could but probably won’t happen), quits (which could but probably won’t happen) or dies (which ... no comment), he will run again in 2020, and I’m not confident that anyone would beat him. And aside from maybe Kamala Harris, I can’t even think of anyone currently in the pool of potential Democratic nominees I’d be even reasonably excited for. (Who else could there be? The Rock? Shonda Rhimes? Gregg Popovich?)

We’ve been hammered to the point of desperation. And in our desperation, perhaps we should turn to a man we don’t fully understand. And while the Joker would actually be a favorable alternative to the Cheeto, I’m thinking darker, colder, scarier and (literally) deadlier: the Night King.

Of course, electing the Night King would be a bit of a risk. We’ve never heard him speak—and I’m not even sure if he can speak—so we don’t know how he feels about taxes, global warming, trade with Asia, white supremacy, police brutality and universal health care. We do, however, know that he’s staunchly pro-immigration. His entire platform is devoted to breaking walls erected to keep people out (even if those people happen to be the undead), so there’s that.


Also, electing him would likely have some pretty drastic and dire consequences for us all. Namely, we’d all die, and then we’d be drafted to serve in his army.

But I don’t know, man. Yeah, the whole sudden-death-for-everyone thing would suck. But it wouldn’t happen until 2020, which would at least allow us to see the final season of Game of Thrones. Also, the Night King is an accomplished athlete, a championship spear-thrower, a proven leader and a military guru unafraid to get his hands dirty, and his glowing, baby blue tint is much more majestic than the radioactive Cheeto dust Trump calls “skin.”

I’m not saying the Night King would have my vote. Not yet. But I’d be willing to read a pamphlet or something about his plans. Because he can’t be worse than this motherfucker now.

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)

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