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After examining over 15,000 people — men ages 17 to 91 in Europe, Asia, Africa, and the United States — researchers have determined that the average erect penis length is 5.14 inches. This, and other findings of this study, means many people are up to their necks in bullshit. Who exactly is up to their neck in bullshit? Well, let's see.

1. People who claim to be able to determine a man's penis size by the size of his hands, feet, ring finger, nose (???), neck, pinky toe, height, race, weight, eye color, walk, voice, credit score, bed sheet thread count, and relationship with Jesus

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Because, according to the study, absolutely nothing else correlates to penis size. Except penis size. If you have big ass feet…you just have big ass feet. (And shitty shoes because guys with big feet have to either special order shit or cop the purple and green Reebok team shoes that have been on the discount rack for three summers.)

2. Women

No disclaimers or caveats here. By "women" I mean "every adult woman who's claimed to have encountered one or two extra small penises in their dating lives." Which means "every woman."

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Every woman is full of shit because only 2% of penises fall into the "unusually small" category. (Btw, doesn't "unusually small" feel much more cruel than "tiny"?) Which means, unless you're a statistical anomaly, you'd have to have sex with 100 dudes to see two unusually small dicks. So basically, you're either Teanna Trump or a liar.

Granted, you can counter by saying what's "unusual" to you is relative, and might not exactly mirror the results of the study. I concede that, and this brings us to…

3. Women, again

It snowed and shit a couple weeks ago here. The forecast was five to seven inches. The snow fell overnight. I walked my dog in the morning and walked through the snow. Exactly how much fell? I don't know. Somewhere between five and seven inches. Shit, maybe 4.8. Or 7.2. I knew it was more than two inches. But I also knew it wasn't close to a foot or anything. The only way I'd get a specific number is if I took out a ruler and took an actual measurement.

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This is how human beings work. We do not know exactly how long or wide shit is, so we do approximates. I know the YMCA is approximately a half mile from my house. If I actually measured the distance, though, it might be 0.41 miles. Or 0.64 miles. I know The Wife Person is tall. Maybe she's 5'7'' and 5/8ths. Maybe she's 5'9''. I don't know the exact number. And, because I'm a human being, there's no need for me to pretend to know. Because other human beings know that human beings don't know that shit. All I need to know is that she's tall.

But don't say any of this to a woman who swears she can't do anything with anyone under 7.5 inches. Because of course she knows, on sight, the difference between a 7.5 inch long wang and a 6.9 inch long wang.

4. Men

Magnum condoms account for close to 20% of all condom sales.  When you consider that there are literally hundreds of different condoms you can buy, that's a huge market share. Unless the men who buy Magnums just tend to buy condoms more than anyone else, you can reasonably conclude that if 20% of condom sales are Magnums, 20% of men who buy condoms buy Magnums. But less than 4% of men actually need them. (And Magnums aren't really that much longer or wider than regular Trojans.)

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Basically, everyone is wrong about everything.