Photo: Red Lobster

Remember, like, two hours ago when I said that no one gives a shit about your dreams? Because dreams are so exclusive and hyperesoteric that they don’t have any real meaning to anyone else? Well, I take that all back! It’s all lies! Because I’ve definitely had dreams about waffles. And I’ve had dreams about Cheddar Bay Biscuits. And I’ve had dreams about lobster. And I’ve had dreams about the type of great sex that leads to fully sponsored excursions to Red Lobster.

The people of Red Lobster very obviously cared enough about my dreams to build one of those Inception sleep machines so they could hack into them and use that information to create a thing that should only exist there. From USA Today:

The dish features a buttermilk-battered and fried split Maine lobster tail served on top of a waffle made with the same mix used in the chain’s famous Cheddar Bay biscuits. All of this is then topped with maple syrup.

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Look, I’m not saying that the second after I hit publish on this piece and send it to our copy editors, I’m running out the house and making the 13-minute-drive to Red Lobster.

I’m not saying that I know exactly how long the drive is from my house because I just put it into WAZE.

I’m not saying that if this were a limited edition meal (like a new pair of Jordans), I would have been posted up at Red’s last night at 11:59 p.m.

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I’m not saying that I’m just gonna start calling Red Lobster “Red’s” from now on.

I’m not saying that I made the decision to start calling Red Lobster “Red’s” because this new menu addition lets me know that they value my relationship with them, and since they value our relationship, there’s no longer a need to be formal.

I’m not saying that “lobster and Cheddar Bay Biscuit waffles” is Swahili for “nigga reparations.”

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I’m not saying that “nigga reparations” are distinct from “reparations.”

I’m not saying that I’m rethinking my decision to drive straight to Red Lobster when I’m done writing this because that’s probably a 15,000-calorie meal, and I should get a workout in beforehand [Editor’s note: It’s 1,080 calories—I checked this morning when I was planning my lobster-and-waffles weekend Cheddar Baycation extravaganza].

I’m not saying that this workout will be basketball, and I’m not saying that I’m gonna scream “WE GOIN’ TO RED LOBSTER” each time I make a shot.

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I’m not saying that I’m probably gonna call off tomorrow because “lobster and Cheddar Bay Biscuit waffles” looks like one of them meals that’ll give you the itis for 47 hours.

And I’m definitely not saying that I double-checked just now to make sure it wasn’t April 1 because this is so dreamy that it feels like an April Fools’ joke.

Nope! I’m not saying any of these things!