Photo: Leon Halip (Getty Images)

Updated: Friday, August 3, 2018, 6:05 p.m. EDT: According to TMZ Sports, the oft-reported $258,000 a month child support payment is actually $32,000. If you’re still upset about this relatively small figure, you need to take a spa day or something.

Who is Blake Griffin?

Blake Griffin is a power forward for the Detroit Pistons who exists in that gray space between “superstar status” and “actual NBA superstar.”

Huh?

He has one of the league’s most recognizable names and faces. But if you were to rank NBA players today, you could arguably name 30 who are better and/or more valuable than him. This hasn’t always been the case. Five years ago, he was a legit top 10 player. But a combination of injuries and underwhelming play have basically made him basketball’s Blake Lively.

Ah, I see. Well, who is Brynn Cameron?

Brynn Cameron is the Finesse Based God. Brynn Cameron so smooth her name don’t even need vowels.

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Huh?

Let’s try that again. Brynn Cameron is the mother of Griffin’s two children. Cameron also has a child with former NFL quarterback Matt Leinart.

She seems to, um, like athletes.

Well, she is an athlete. She played basketball at USC, and she comes from an athletic family (her brother Jordan played in the NFL), so I doubt she’s dated many accountants.

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I see. So why are they in the news today? 

Griffin was recently ordered to pay Cameron $258,000 a month in child support.

From Sporting News:

In court documents, [Brynn] Cameron claimed Griffin booted her and their two children, Ford, 5, and Finn, 2 from his $12 million Pacific Palisades mansion. In a January declaration, Cameron said she was ‘reduced to being homeless,’ and only had $100 in her personal bank account. Cameron, who was a basketball star herself when she attended USC, said she is currently unemployed, and is taking care of the children.

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She also has a civil suit against Griffin, where she alleges that he asked her to end her career and ...

WAIT HOLD UP DID I READ THAT CORRECTLY SHE’S GETTING $258,000 A MONTH IN CHILD SUPPORT?!?!

Yes, you did.

THAT’S $258,000 IN REAL MONEY NOT MONOPOLY MONEY OR BUNDLES OF CVS GIFT CARDS?

Yes. $258,000 in real money.

THAT’S LIKE ... WHAT HOW MUCH IS THAT PER YEAR? I’M NOT GOOD AT QUICK MATH WHEN I’M SPEAKING IN CAPS!

Roughly three million.

WOW! ARE THE KIDS EATING UNICORN OMELETS EACH MORNING? DO THEY GO TO PRIVATE SCHOOL ON JUPITER? IS FRAN DRESCHER THEIR ACTUAL NANNY? HOW THE HELL IS THAT EVEN JUSTIFIED?

So, I’m glad you’re reacting this way because this is why I’m writing about it. News of the child support order has caused some consternation and spawned some debate, as some people have questioned whether Cameron “deserves” that money for having Blake’s red-headed babies. She wasn’t with him shooting in the gym. (Although considering her basketball background and Blake’s erratic jump shot perhaps she should have been.)

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AND?

And, well, this is a stupid and revealing and vaguely Republican thing to be mad about.

Blake Griffin makes over $30 million a year. Two hundred fifty-eight thousand a month is nine percent of his earnings. While that’s definitely a shitload of money, he probably spends that at the Cheesecake Factory and Diamonds of LA each month. This is not going to make Blake have to eat Ramen and ketchup sandwiches every day. And so the issue isn’t about how Blake is doing, but just that this woman is getting this seemingly astronomical amount of money. Again, though, that number is just based on a relatively standard percentage, so arguing about it is dumb.

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Ah, I see that. How is it revealing?

Let’s just say that a person’s anger about this reveals quite a bit about their feelings about women, romantic partnerships, parenthood and algebra. These are, largely, people who already possess a latent and dangerous animosity towards women, and hearing this type of news just reinforces their coatings of fuckshit. Kinda like how a porcupine’s spikes get sharper each time it sneezes.

Is that really true about the porcupine?

No.

So, the revealing rationale makes sense. But ... I’m still not getting the “vaguely Republican” thing.

So, the conversation about this has been centered on the amount of money Cameron is receiving. What—a common argument asks—does she possibly do to deserve $258,000 a month?!?! Kids aren’t that expensive! How can that be justified?!?!

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And this line of thought conveniently ignores the fact that BLAKE GRIFFIN MAKES $30 MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR AND NO ONE NEEDS THAT MUCH MONEY!!!

Now, do I believe Griffin deserves that money? Yes, I do. He’s earned it. That’s the market rate for being one of the best basketball players on Earth, and if it wasn’t going to him, it would stay in the hands of the owners. That said, no one needs $30 million a year. You can command that. You can ask for that. You can earn that. But you don’t need it.

Anyway, this reminds me of how conservatives get all tight when someone suggests raising the minimum wage or welfare payments, but don’t bat an eye at the system that allows someone like Jeff Bezos to be so rich that he’d have to spend $28 million a day to stop from getting richer. The questions about whether people “deserve” their money and “what they can possibly do to spend all of that money” never seem to be asked of the ultra-rich. Those in the middle or at the bottom of the scale get more scrutiny than those at the top, and it’s the people at the top who have all the money!

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Yeah, you’re right. That’s Republican as fuck.

Told you!