1. Because "Meet Me In Temecula" is a song created by a man (@MyTweetsRealAF) who, on Christmas day, made a 35 minute drive to Temecula, California to fight someone (@SnottieDrippen) who dissed Kobe Bryant on Twitter. @Snottiedrippen didn't show up for the fight, so naturally @MyTweetsRealAF recorded and released a diss track.
2. Because if this is your first time hearing about any of this, you will likely need 10-15 minutes to verify that the ridiculous-ass sentences you just read are actually true.
3. Because the fact that something like this happened because of Kobe Bryant is fucking perfect.
4. Because, by any reasonable and objective criteria, Kobe Bryant is one of the 20 best basketball players of all-time. And, by any reasonable and objective criteria, he is currently having one of the worst seasons of all-time. Not one of his worst seasons. One of the worst seasons any NBA player has ever had. He is leading the league in shot attempts per game (by far!) while shooting 37% from the field. No one — like, literally, no one — has ever shot this much and shot this badly. And he's averaging four turnovers a game. To say he's single-handedly pissing away games would be an understatement. Because if he was literally urinating on himself during games, it would be an upgrade. At least he'd be more difficult to guard.
Yet, fans of Kobe Bryant remain as vehement and vigilant as ever. If you said his name five times in a mirror, I have no doubt one of them would emerge from it with a hook hand and a swarm of bees. They've been compared to the Beyhive. But, in 2014, Beyonce's music still makes people hyperventilate and ovulate. 2014 Kobe just makes people confused.
But, the worse Kobe plays — the more indefensible his actions and (lack of) productivity become — the more committed his fans become. They do not understand logic or reason. They abhor factual evidence, and, as @MyTweetsRealAF proves, they're not above using the threat of violence to respond to the most insignificant of slights.
Basically, Kobe Bryant is the NYPD.
5. Because this story contains all the things that made 2014 a shitty-ass fucking year. Manufactured outrage. Strange threats. ("Talk to me like I'm in the room" is, basically, prison logic.) Slight slights met with the threat of violence. Twitter beef. Blind loyalty to prominent figures. Street harassment. (Yes, some 730 nigga driving to a different city to fight someone about Kobe Bryant counts as street harassment.) Unchecked mental health issues. Thinkpieces (Heh). Shitty memes. Unintentional typos and misspellings. Low barriers to entry. Bad rapping. Bad rappers with one hit song. Drake.
6. Because Iggy Azalea is already recording a remix. (Ok, this was a lie. But, considering the shitty-ass fucking year 2014 has been, that's not too far-fetched.)