Spencer Platt/Getty Images

Who is Donald Trump?

Donald Trump is a stenchy Cheeto-stuffed condom expelled from a Gila monster’s rectum and repurposed as pinata stuffing. He's also running for President.

Advertisement

Oh yeah. You've mentioned him before. Why is he in the news today?

In less than a 12-hour span, he's doubled down on his claim that the Central Park 5 were guilty — despite the fact that they were exonerated by DNA evidence years ago (and despite the fact that someone else confessed to the crime) — and the Washington Post found some decade old footage of him bragging to Billy Bush on how he could grab bitches "by the pussy" because he's famous.

Wait, he really said grab bitches by the pussy?

Yes.

How is that even possible? Did someone invent some magic vagina with handlegrips or something? If so, that sounds time consuming and inefficient. And also very messy.

Advertisement

I don't know. He does have unusually small hands for his size, though, so maybe that helps.

I see. So this will surely be the nail in his campaign's coffin, right? I can't imagine any women or any men who actually love and respect women voting for him, and Omarosa was the last Black on Cheeto-Stuffed Condom island, but I'm guessing she's gone now too.

Nah. It won't hurt at all.

Really?

Really.

How is that even possible?

Remember that movie The Blob when everything The Blob would encounter — buildings, people, dogs, bullets, missiles, chocolate cakes, Allen Payne, etc — would just make it bigger and angrier?

Advertisement

Yes.

Donald Trump is The Blob. Nothing can slow or deter him. His supporters are so fervent, so irrational, so indignant, so "wronged," and so gotdamn fucking bitter that they've made themselves impervious to reason, sense, and decency. He is their messiah, their Neo, the stenchy Cheeto-stuffed condom stuffed in a Gila monster's rectum that will lead them to glory.

I'd say he's their Jesus, but the name Jesus is a bit too Mexicany for their taste. Maybe if Jesus's name was Jesse or something.

Advertisement

So, there's nothing he can do to lose support?

Well, Jamilah Lemieux joked that he'd have to be caught saying #BlackLivesMatter to lose any steam. But I doubt that would even do it. Because he'd spin it and say he's just referring to White people who fell asleep on tanning beds.