Yep, Guys Really Are Just As Messy As We Claim Women Are

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Monday nights in my life are good for two things: vh1's Love & Hip-Hop: Atlanta and Hit The Floor (and now apparently Atlanta Exes). They provide just the right balance of ratchet and "WTF did I just see on my television" to keep me balanced, especially in the wake of the past week's on-going and non-stop news coverage from Ferguson.

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Well, tonight's episode (and no, you don't need to have watched, give any fucks about, or keep up with) of LHH:ATL featured a scenario that guys swear doesn't exist, or at least swear lives primarily in the world of estrogen but is undeniable…

…men are just as messy as women. Maybe we aren't messy as frequently as women, but we are definitely AS messy as women are purported to be.

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What do I mean by messy? I'm glad you asked. Allow me to share with you what happened this evening. I will be using names that might offend your sensibilities. I understand if you want to light your eyes on fire. However, the vast majority of you grew up listening to a man who in all seriousness referred to himself as Snoop Doggy Dogg and you didn't bat an eye. Keep this in mind.

So, Stevie J (everybody should know who Steebie is by now even if you don't keep up with the ratchets) of Bad Boy Hitmen fame (his catalog is really impressive…Like REALLY impressive and surprisingly, he does not seem like the guy who made all the hits he's responsible for) is "married" (this is debateable) (I'm trying to set a record for most parentheticals in one paragraph) (by the way) to a former stripper/video vixen/"singer"/"artist" named Joseline Hernandez. There was a significant amount of time last year where the possibility that she was formerly a man was a real thing. Anyway she and Steebie are "married" but have had their issues. Stevie's best friend is Benzino of The Source/Almighty RSO/Made Men/Eminem Shittted On My Life fame, and is engaged to a woman whose name is Althea but goes by the name Thi Thi for her music career.

Everybody on this show inexplicably has a music career. Anyway, Althea is engaged to Benzino but smashed the homie, Stevie. She has told Benzino but Stevie (I keep referring to him interchangeably as Steebie - which is what Joseline calls him due to her accent - and Stevie what the rest of us call him) has pretended its not true even going so far as lying to Benzino's face. Benzino knows he's lying but has said that he understands so he's let him cook.

You know what's funny? Those last two paragraphs are messy as shit and thats not even what I was referring to with my men can be messy premise. That's JUST the intro. Oh, and its not finished.

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So, Stevie and Joseline have been having issues. Basically, Joseline is a walking hurricane x typhoon x moonsoon, though Stevie is CLEARLY no walk in the park either. They both suck basically. Benzino hates Joseline because she's been taking shots at his boo Thi Thi. Oh, Benzino got a tattoo of Thi Thi on his side. Like a full body tattoo.

Sidenote: This entire article has so many red squiggly lines under it that "spell-check" is ready to curse me out.

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Let's get to the mess I wanted to use as my example now. Benzino absolutely hates Joseline. So he's out at a bar and begins talking to a man named Ray Dantoni (also not recognized by spell-check) and they get to choppin' it up about Joseline and Ray Dantoni tells him that a dude at the party they're at has smashed Joseline, which is to say that she's cheating on Stevie, which is kind of like cheating on the guy who invented cheating. His devotion to fuckshit is as impressive as his Grammy-award winning musical output. Benzino (a non-Grammy-award winning rapper, I just wanted to share that) then tells Dantoni to bring the dude who has smashed Joseline out to the back. Which, because that sounds like such a great idea, this brother named Ray Dantoni does.

It turns out its Joseline's driver. He has been smashing Joseline, allegedly, for a few months off and on. He also knows other people that she's been sleeping with.

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To recap, three seemingly 40+ year old men are having a pow-wow about who a woman has smashed because its a shame, EVEN THOUGH they know that their boy might be the Prime Minister of the Ain't Shit Committee of Excellence in the Ain't Shit Arts. So what's the only logical next move?

Benzino will then TELL Stevie that his wife, Joseline, has been stepping out on him. Which, any woman will tell you, never goes well. In a surprise to nobody, it also never goes well when guys drop that bomb on their boys either. Why? Because its messy. Stevie rightly questions why Benzino is even telling him this? What does he stand to gain. Me no know. He just wants his boy back. And the only way to get his boy back is to seek and destroy the alleged object of trouble in everybody's life.

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This shit really happened.

While it's not definitive proof, it's also not uncommon. Guys are just as gossipy as women and talk as much non-sense and some scheme just as much. Granted, most men probably won't spend as much time focusing on it as most of our convos move on rather quickly to other things, but the ridiculousness we accuse women of is also something we are guilty of as well.

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Which is a shame. But humans gon' human.

Thanks, Benzino.

Panama Jackson is the Senior Editor of Very Smart Brothas. He's pretty fly for a light guy. You can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking all her brown liquors.

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Agatha Guilluame

Off Topic: So a few of the VSS got together a while back to give their synopses of the men they've dated based on their sign (Buzzfeed had something similar). I've compiled their thoughts below and left out their names to protect the guilty.

Aries (March 21 - April 20)

“So effing needy.”

“Having someone that beats to their own drum is exciting at first until you realize that they're incapable of hearing any opinion besides their own. Don't be surprised if they
"came to a conclusion" that you had already reached two weeks prior. But their hardheadedness is matched by their chex drive. Win some lose some.”

“He would do stuff like try to DEMAND that I do something but as soon as I bucked him he would break down and damn near cry.”

Taurus (April 21-May 20)

“Annoying as F, now and forever”

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

“My spirit animal”

“He’d lie. And he’d know I knew he was lying. And I’d know he knew I knew he was lying but no one ever said a Gemini had any sense of shame. Like I’m sure they have a moral compass, I just think it’s made of play doh.”

“I’m pretty sure he’s never felt anything deeply.”

“Unapologetically shiftless. But charismatic…as all shiftless people often are.”

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

“Too materialistic but sweet”

“Adorably bipolar”

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

“Having a "leading man" and alpha male always sounds like a great idea…as long as your life falls in line with his. Once you start having your own wants and needs and…*listens to the crickets chirp*

“Nope.”

“Nope. No thanks. I’ll pass.”

“Weak”

“He expected everything and gave nothing back”

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

“Eff they, now and forever”

“Perfect and annoying”

“So critical”

“I used to lay out an outfit, take a shower, and come back to a new outfit because
he didn’t approve of what I had laid out. Questions like ‘oh, you’re wearing your hair like that?' was asked so nonchalantly”

Libra (September 23-October 22)

“He didn’t give any F's, like me. He was my soulmate.”

“Too wishy washy, just like me”

“Thought chex would make me fall in love. Called me and demanded an apology when I broke up with him.”

“A Jamaican messed up the month of October for me. Come to think of it he messed up Jamaicans for me too. And men over 6’ 5”. And men with kids. *shudders* Never again.”

Scorpio (October 23 - November 22)

“Quiet brooding type”

“Crazy as F”

“Like me, emo about the wrong stuff, I didn’t return his calls fast enough…I didn’t come hard enough, he wasn’t sure if I was IN love with him. Sigh. I was like listen Linda please….stop.”

“Dominant.”

“Pretty sure he thought he was my daddy. There were a lot of “no, you’re not going to such and such place” or “no you can’t talk to that nucca””

Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21)

“Too opinionated and selfish”

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

“I thought he was Jamaican. Then I thought he was Trini. Then I realized he wasn’t anywhere near as interesting as the people he was pretending to be.”

“Not as funny as the men I usually like.”

“Forgettable at best.”

Aquarius (January 20 - February 19)

“Best chex. Ever. EVER.”

“They’re no good for me but goodness the chex.”

Pisces (February 20 - March 20)

“He’d swear that something was great until it no longer suited his needs.”

“Fickle as F. And married. To a drug dealer.”

“There was all this intensity. And passion. And yearning. And long stares. Everything was chexual. Holding hands was chexual.”