Photo: Damon Young

You know how, if you’re watching a game on TV and it happens to feature LeBron James or Tom Brady or someone else who has perfected their craft and has the prototypical body and mind for their position, the commentators might say something like, “LeBron was born to play basketball”? Well, considering all available evidence—my writing, my gluttony, my willingness to eat at chain restaurants, etc.—I believe that I was born to eat Red Lobster’s lobster and Cheddar Bay Biscuit waffles and write about my experience. And so, today, I decided that it was time to do what I was put on Earth to do.

There really is no better time to be at Red Lobster than the middle of the afternoon. Then you can appreciate the ambience, you can have your own entire section of booths and you can get all the biscuits you like. (Did you know that, during peak hours, there’s an eight-biscuit-per-person quota? Of course you didn’t know that because I just made it up! But it sounds true, right?)

Anyway, I know you have questions. I have answers.

1. When you order the lobster and Cheddar Bay Biscuit waffles, do you still get a basket of biscuits? 

Yes. I assumed that would be biscuit overkill, but Red’s doesn’t do underkill. Red’s doesn’t even do regular kill. If Red’s were in charge of capital punishment, they’d replace the lethal injection with a Molotov cocktail.

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2. Does it come with sides?

Yes. I ordered a salad and soup. Because irony.

3. How are the lobster and Cheddar Bay Biscuit waffles served? 

It’s an in-shell fried lobster on top of a Cheddar Bay waffle.

4. What’s up with the syrup?

They give you the option of them pouring it on for you or having it on the side in a cup. I chose the cup. Because if you are asked to choose a cup in any context, choose the damn cup.

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5. Was that the right decision?

Yes.

6. So how did it taste?

Good but not great. The fried lobster was great, the waffle was good-ish and syrup is traditionally great. But all of those things together aren’t the most natural fit. Also, when the waffle came, my muscle memory took over, and I treated it like a regular waffle instead of a Cheddar Bay waffle and lathered it with syrup. This was not the best idea. It does need syrup—or something wet to balance out the texture—but too much syrup just makes you feel like you’re literally eating a sin.

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7. How did you feel while eating this?

There was never a moment while I was eating it that it didn’t feel like I was eating lobster and Cheddar Bay waffles.

8. How much did it cost?

Ha! Like any person who willingly orders lobster and Cheddar Bay waffles gives a shit about how much it costs. If you’re eating this, you’re on a mission. And missions are priceless.

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9. Would you do it again?

I would, but I’d need company. And alcohol. And a defibrillator.