After two foolishment-free weeks to gather our collective senses, Love and Hip Hop Atlanta, Season 5, was back this week with a new round of mildly interesting antics. This week the tables finally started to turn on the Joseline/Mimi union (shock of shocks) as we learn that Joseline was lying her balls off about Stevie J.’s alleged bundle-o-joy, Betty Idol and D. Smith put a new person in their transgender A-Team crosshairs, Scrapp goes to ass-rammin' prison (Yeah, I’mma need you to go ahead and work Sunday…) and we “learn” Stevie J. wont never married. Because nobody knew that.
But first, let me take a moment to say what we’re all thinking: White jaysus be a rock in a weary land, how the HELL many more installments are there??? I swear, this is the only show in the history of TV with a 63-episode season! At this rate of manufactured nothingness drama - and with the core stars reaching the age of both accountability and AARP eligibility - I think this could be the last season for LAHHATL. But let me not front: When I need a sleep aid, Love and Hip Hop Atlanta gets it DONE! For that, I salute you Mona. Ase.
So this week we saw Scrapp catch a five-year bid. The good news: Already a muslim! The bad news, they provide you with draws in jail. Have fun with that!
Elsewhere in the city, Betty Idol is in the studio “singing” and “dancing” *extreme side eye* when Mama Dee walks up rockin’ her best Florence Henderson wig and a faux Native American shawl, care of Forever 81 21. Come thru Powhatan Brady! The pair sit down to chat and the conversation quickly turns to Scrappy. Apparently Mama Dee feels that Betty and Scrappy are a potential match made in heaven and she’s just about ready to start picking wedding china when Idol puts on the brakes. She explains that she cut Scrappy off after he was spotted slamming the trans girls in a ‘net video which she conveniently has queued up on her phone. Mama Dee feigns shock and disgust as she watches her well-fed spawn sum the girls up as men in wigs. I confess to cackling dayown this entire scene, as the symbolism of Mama Dee and Betty Idol, both of whom have suspect uterine credentials, getting all astir about this video was almost too much for me to bear. I know we’ve had this discussion before, and baby pictures have been dug up (per Scrappy’s proof of vagina protocol) but I just don’t buy that Idol is a chick. She is TOO animated. Animated in a way that I have never seen outside of a femme queen. And she goes hard for the trans girls. Too hard. I’m sorry baby but I need receipts and Caster Semanya-style testing. And five years worth of pap smear results for good measure. From her and Mama Dee, now that I think about it.
Anyways, Mama Dee promises to chat with Scrappy, which she does, encouraging him to mend things with his former protege. Scrappy puts her on blast (“You raised me to be judgemental!”) before half-heartedly agreeing to a sit down meet and greet with Idol. A few scenes later, at a performance by Scrappy (GAG!) Betty pops up with none other than her best judy, D. Smith. Oh girl. This again?! So it was all just an elaborate plot to get Scrappy caught up in round 75 of “How DARE You: Angry Transwoman Chronicles?” Chile cheese.
For a producer/model/singer/artist/transadvocate/professional wig abuser, this D. Smith surely has a lot of free time for ambush meetings! I could get into it if it wasn’t all so much wasted, misdirected energy. I mean, Scrappy can’t manage to say the word “music” without adding copious letter ‘r’s and what not. Do we really care about whether he judges the LGBTQ community? Hell, I’m judging him for deciding against the man Spanx that surely came with that body-con ass t-shirt he was wearing. Anyway, Scrappy lobs a few “I meant eff the ones that be lying about their identity!” (translation: I got caught up over by the Daiquiri Factory a few times and I’m in my feels about it) and D. Smith delivers her standard lines about the community, and I’m offended, and my balls are offended, and my pubes are offended and blah, and blah blah. They discuss taking a picture together to mend it all and then scene.
*slow hand clap*
The remaining 85% of the episode was dedicated to various contrivances involving the fuckness triad that is Mimi, Joseline and Stevie J.When we last left off, our fearless hero Mimi was getting down to the bottom of the Stevie J. mystery. Does he have a couple of outside chirren or nawl? And if he does, will Mimi let him “stay” with her until things settle down with his wife? In a normal world, the universal answer to all of these questions would be “bih, who knows and who cares - these rental house checks ain’t gonna write themselves. You need to be sniffing out a job Inspector Poirot!” But alas, this is Mona land, where logic doesn’t apply. And so, Mimi and Stevie J.do the only reasonable thing they can do: They hop into a car and drive up to the North Carolina house of Promise B. Mae, a curvaceous diva-type who’s spent the past few summers claiming Stevie J.’s seed.
Mimi comes armed with a Great Values paternity test and is mere seconds away from asking sistagirl to squat it out, when Mae comes clean that she lied about having Stevie J.’s baby to advance her career. She confesses that in a world where Kim Kardashian and even Mimi have looked to sex tapes to find fame, she couldn’t think of any better way to drum up attention for her blog. Mimi goes all ‘roid rage because nobody is supposed to remind her that she was flossing with that man’s peen on camera the other season. And the visit ends. All I can say to Mae is honey, if you think that either of these two is famous enough to be lying on and/or emulating for attention, you’re hustling backwards. You’re better off adopting a baby, taking it to the panda cage at the zoo and waitin’ for something to happen.
Meanwhile, in Castle Greyskull, Joseline is busy relaying how well she played Mimi - complete with tears even! - as part of an intricate plot to ruin Stevie J.’s finances and consequently, whatever is left of his career. How that work? Girl, she figures all this is gonna get Mimi to put him on child support. Thus destroying his life. Meh heheheheheheheh!!!!!!
Only nothin’ from nothin’ leaves nothin’. It applies to Joseline’s “mursic” and it certainly applies to Stevie J.’s income - so I fail to see how putting him on child support would ruin his finances. Second of all, why not just run up on Mimi and say, “You know you should put bruh on child support, right?” #realquestions
The episode limps to a close with Stevie J. appearing on a local radio show and getting asked directly by a B Real lookalike if he is or was, in fact, ever married to Joseline. To which he answers no. My. Gawd. Cancel my afternoon appointments! Get me my smelling salts and prepare the fainting couch! I mean, I had NO IDEA this was coming!!
It occurs to me that back in the dark ages, a method of killing people involved putting them into a leather bag with various wild animals, tying the bag up and throwing it in the water or some shit. I believe it was called the "Betcha Won’t Do It Again" method. Either way, sometimes this show reminds me of that. Just a bunch of kangaroos and chimpanzees in a bag clawing at the last scraps of meat. Only the chimps are mostly just K. Michelle doing that no makeup shit, and the meat is mostly careers that never materialized.
And on that note, I’ll see y’all next week!